Ecclesiastes 3:14-15

"I've also concluded that whatever God does, that's the way it's going to be, always. No addition, no subtraction. God's done it and that's it. That's so we'll quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear.
   Whatever was, is.
   Whatever will be, is.
   That's how it always is with God."
                     -Ecclesiastes 3:14-15, the Message Bible

   As crazy as this ride always seems to be, I never thought I'd be writing a blog in memory of anyone. Not that I haven't experienced loss and heartache before - I just was never so deeply broken that I felt I couldn't survive without this outlet. Losing my Lia was (and continues to be) the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. And endure is the correct word. Some definitions I've found are "to carry on through, despite hardships; undergo" and "to continue in existence; last".
   I would love to be able to tell you that I have been drawn into the comforting presence of God as I endure this horrifying roller coaster ride called my life. But if I am being honest with you - and myself - I cannot. I am finding it difficult to even crack open my Bible and read His Word. Not that I am losing my faith or that I don't believe that He is in control of absolutely everything, I think I'm just afraid of what I may find there.
   The Bible has always had a way of shining light on difficult times, but not always is it that soft glow of the night light in the hall. For me, it is usually a spotlight from a search helicopter blinding me to all that is surrounding and forces me to stop dead in my tracks. I don't like that feeling of uncontrollable circumstances, and I think sometimes I'd rather stay tucked away in my little cave where the light can't find me. But I know that spotlight is my only source of salvation - so despite the uncomfortable feelings and loss of my control-freakishness, I will step out into the light and be saved.
   In one of my seemingly rare moments in that light, I stumbled across this verse in Ecclesiastes that hit me like a ton of bricks in the aftermath of Lia's death. You must remember that the author of this book is writing about all the "fluff" in life and its meaningless attributes - sometimes he didn't seem like the most positive fella. But the guy had a point to make. I can see that we must worship God in everything, because He is the Maker of this life and has a reason for every moment we're here - whether we want it to happen or not.
   This verse spoke to me simply because of its point-blank slap in the face: "...whatever God does, that's the way it's going to be, always." We puny humans like to fancy ourselves the masters of our universes, and somehow we think that we can influence the progression of our world. I caught myself doing just that in the hospital after Lia was born. I kept thinking that maybe I should have relaxed more, or taken more vitamins or had more doctor's appointments to prevent what eventually happened. I thought that I must have done something wrong to cause such a horrible end to a beautiful thing. Did I offend God somehow? Should I have prayed more and read more and worshipped more? I wanted something to hold onto, someone to blame - even if that someone was me. That way I could prevent that from happening next time, or exact punishment on myself and feel I was dishing out justice for my precious girl.
   But the truth is, there is no one to blame. Not me, not God, not anyone. Sure, I believe that God is the one Who took her home, but blame is the wrong word. Trust should be in its place. I trust that God took her home - for what reason, I may never know. But at this point the reason doesn't matter. We just need to "quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear."
   So in the darkness of whatever you are going through, remember that little insight. You are to worship Him in all circumstances, in good days and bad. Don't ever forget that you are the one lost and alone on that tiny island in your damp cave - and that there is a helicopter waiting to bathe you in the light. Don't be afraid to release your control and stop dead in your tracks in that light and believe in the One that is the Master of all.
   "God's done it and that's it."