I Am Not Strong

"You're such a strong woman..."

Such a simple phrase that is packed with incredible meaning - one that has been repeated to me over and over in the past three months. It is a beautiful gesture of honor and respect and reverence for my situation, but the truth must be told:

It is not true.

Strength is defined as emotional toughness: the necessary qualities required to deal with stressful or painful situations. It's the people that take it all in stride and keep the ball rolling through thick and thin and all the hell that the world throws our way. It's those people who, no matter the circumstance, always seem to be smiling. Those people that can always think of something wonderful to say to someone in pain through the trials of their own.

That person, my friends, is not me.

Strength is nothing more than how well you hide the pain...

I may seem tough and strong to you, but I will assure you I am not. I can put on a smile and make small talk with the best of 'em, and I'm getting to the point that I can discuss Lia's birth with nary a tear. I will comfort those in need as I once was comforted, and I will continue to pray everyday for those on my heart. I will make these Kibbies to help heal a mother's breaking heart and I will feel mine break again every day as I remember what this project is actually for. I keep it all to myself most of the time - I prefer to tuck the pain away in the special room in my heart for Lia's memory, safe from any further scrutiny. I need to have that privacy, or my heart will melt out onto my sleeve and not a soul could put it back into my chest.

I will take the comments and compliments to heart, as I have each time those words have reached my ears - and I thank all of you for those encouraging sentiments.
I will not, however, allow them to define my world. I have since decided that there is no point to life without pain... for without darkness, how could any of us ever be found by the light? Without the rain, who could ever appreciate the sun? Without my daughter's death, would I have truly understood what it means to really live?

My daughter is the one thing in this life I have wanted for my whole existence - since I was a little girl my strongest dream was to become a wife and a mother. And now, looking back on the worst week of my entire life, I see now that my God has allowed me to accomplish both. My husband is amazing - standing by me through all of this -though not fully understanding but holding fast in the midst of our pain. And my daughter - my beautiful Lia - will always hold a special place in my heart.

I will always show you where to go.
    I'll give you a full life in the emptiest of places -
firm muscles, strong bones.   - Isaiah 58:11 (the Message)

Keep telling me I'm strong.
        Keep encouraging me to continue.
    Keep being there for me when I need you.
Keep that shoulder handy - just in case I need to cry on it.

Keep telling me that I am the strongest woman you've ever met ... Maybe one day I will be.