I woke up this morning at ten minutes after seven. So much for sleeping in on my day off. As I always do, I roll over and grab my iPhone and check my email and Facebook ... where I found a story so different yet so like mine.
I'd received word last week that a friend of a friend had lost their baby boy Hunter the day after our three month mark after losing Lia. His mommy's friend blogged his story HERE. Hunter was born at 23 weeks, just like my girl, and was lost due to the same issue.
And now, this morning, I found a beautiful family's story HERE. Little Maddie was here on earth for four wonderful months when she was taken home on the same day that Hunter was. Today is her funeral...
My heart broke into a million tiny pieces when I said goodbye to my Lia, and just as soon as I think I've found all the bits and are gluing them back together, tragedy strikes me again like a baseball bat to my newly put-together heart. However indirectly, these stories and those mommies have touched my heart and are forever etched in my heart.
For reasons unknown, I found my mind drawn to a seemingly distant memory of the day we bought my Blazer. Yeah, like the vehicle - just stick with me here. We drove an hour to look at it and I wanted it so we came home with it. It was like a shiny new toy that could fit five and had the cargo space of a small truck. I was so excited to drive it around and look cool again in a "new" car.
But soon after I began taking it to work everyday, the newness wore off. I thought I had something special with the bright red paint and the perfect silver trim... but I soon realized that I was not alone. I began seeing the exact same Blazer all over town, like someone heard about my recent puchase and just had to have one too. It's nice, and its new-to-us, but it's not anything different.
I feel the same about the loss of our children - we are not alone.
My water broke and Lia was born - Hunter's mom went through the same.
I lost the only daughter I had - Maddie's mom did also.
This situation - this incredible pain - is not new. Since the Fall of Man, this world has been completely screwed up. God made men and women true and upright; we're the ones who made a mess of things. (Ecclesiastes 7:26 the Message)
This world is not as God intended - and that small fact is now an amazing source of hope and peace for me. God didn't design this world to have mommies mourn their babies! God did not start this world with the thought, "Hmm, I think this place needs a little death and sorrow, don't ya think?"
We humans threw our little monkey wrench called sin into the plan and threw it all to hell - literally. But thankfully God is a master mechanic and brought us Jesus as a sacrifice to fix all that we had undone.
Our pastor, Brett Eubank, wrote this blog the day after my Lia was born. Death Spoils Everything.
Take a moment to read it and know that this is not the end.
I know in the deepest recesses of my soul (and sometimes that place is hard to find) that my darling daughter is safe in the arms of Christ, and is just waiting for me to hurry up and get there. I can see her playing ball with my mom's dogs, and running through the fields playing tag with Hunter. And now miss Maddie is coming to join the fun! Geez, now I'm jealous! : )
But I know that God had a plan built into our loss and our pain and this will not be the end! We can't see the end of this road, but only because there are a couple big hills in the way... if you can get over them and more of the path shall show itself.
Now, back to the car for a moment: I want to be different. I need to be different. It's the little quirky things about me that allow me to stand out. My Blazer seemed to make me blend in... and I hated that. So I made a window cling to look like my tattoo of Eeyore's tail and put it on the inside of my windshield so I can see it everyday and know that I am not the same - no matter how much it looks on the outside to the contrary.
In the same sense, we all want our pain to be different from those "other people" that have supposedly been through the "same thing". We don't want to hear about other people's pain - we want to stand out in our own. As comforting as it may seem for others to express their comraderie in the "I lost my baby" club, at the time it just makes you more upset. Like your child's death is not news - like it's just another run-of-the-mill event that happens everyday.
It does happen everyday - just like other people in this town own red Blazers with silver trim. But I can see the little thing that makes your situation stand out from any other like a special window cling:
No other mommy ever had Hunter.
No mommy on this planet ever had miss Maddie.
And not a person in this world was a mommy to Auralia Noel Mansfield. Only me.
Remember that your situation is not a new one - so you do have the love and support of many other moms.
But also remember that your situation is completely unique - no one will ever love your child the same as you.
If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there;
if you're kicked in the gut, he'll help you catch your breath.
-Psalm 34:18 the Message
No comments:
Post a Comment